The Spy Who Audited Me

From the desk of Hugh Williams – Head of Finance at MI6

Costing of last mission – to be raised with Mallory:

  1. Q Branch
    • Exploding pen – £62
    • Cufflinks, filled with nerve gas – £131.20
    • Aston Martin V8 Vantage, plus accessories and weapons – £246,996
    • Walther PPK, with biometric scanner in handle (plus ammunition) – £623.10
    • Holsters (shoulder and leg) – £116
  2. Damages to country infrastructure
    • Soviet-era tank, hijacked and driven through downtown Kiev – £38,605.80
    • 18 civilian vehicles, insurance payouts – £160,564.90
    • 3 local police cars, insurance payouts – £33, 812.90
    • Damage to local roads – £6,4001,948.25
    • Damage to private property – £39,385,814.30
  3. JB, personal expenses
    • Salary – £1,538
    • Flights – £382.20
    • Equipment (see Q Branch a-e, shipping and handling costs) – £672.80
    • Expenses
      • 3 tailor made suits – £11,666.70
      • Rolex watch – £27,170
      • Firearm licence (domestic) – £62
      • Hotel Room, five nights (+ lost deposit) – £3,171.45
      • Meal costs – £2,500
      • Casino money (to infiltrate criminal organisation) – £9,156,946.40
      • Healthcare plan (venereal diseases) – £256.30
    •  Drinks
      • 7 Vodka Martinis, shaken, not stirred – £140
      • 6 Heinekens – £8
      • 3 shots of vodka – £21
  4. Total costings – £113,073,209.30

Note from Mallory: Our organisation has been appealing the government to set up an international fund to subsidise the cost of saving the world with a global mutual fund that nations opt into. This fund would be used to pay for the cost of saving the world every 3-6 years. We have been arguing for this since the late 90s, and have gained traction in the current tense political climate. The mutual fund is looking to be 0.3% – 0.7% of total GDP of nations that opt in. Infrastructure costs will be covered by this account. Q Branch’s expenses will be subsidized by the defence budget.

We will discuss JB’s expenses at a later date. I would ideally like someone to run a cost/benefit analysis on JB’s worth as an employee. He does good work but if there is a cheaper option that doesn’t result in the end of the world I’d like to hear it.

Note from JB: I’m the best at what I do, and what I do isn’t very nice. You can’t replace me with a drone. A drone can’t investigate, a drone can’t wear a tuxedo, a drone can’t seduce women for information. I’m invaluable.

Note from Mallory: JB, please keep a professional tone. Also, since you mentioned it, we will need to have a conversation about your unprofessional nature as it pertains to female colleagues and drinking on the job.

Note from MP: I will contact Human Resources … again, and JB, please don’t make the frequent flyers joke with Sandra again.

Note from JB: Great constructive feedback guys but I’ve been shot and am definitely dead. Do not come looking for me in the Bahamas where I will totally not be for about three weeks until the world needs me again. Peace.

Note from Williams: Hey all, I have discussed this issue with HR. Sandra is asking for a pay raise if she has to deal with JB again. Also, Peter is currently speaking with other colleagues about JB’s psych profile and would like to bring them in for his next psych evaluation.

Note from JB: I know I said I was dead and in the Bahamas, but I came back just to say that Williams is a giant nerd.

Note from Mallory: MP, can you look into the logistics of hiring Seal Team Six as the new HR department for JB?

Note from Williams: It would be cheaper to give Sandra a raise and Peter his psychological Peanuts’ gallery than hiring some American Navy Seals. That said, it might be more effective to get a special forces unit.


Note from MP: What Williams said, sir. Also, JB, please just enjoy your time being dead in the Bahamas. We don’t need you drunk annotating from your death shack.

Note from Mallory: Hmm, I’ll take what you’ve both said under consideration. JB, when you’re sober and alive again, report to HR.

Note from Williams: Can we please get back to the budget? Also, MP, I think JB texted me instead of you. It seems to be a picture of his arm with the message ‘U up?’. I’ll send the picture now. JB has weird arms, they’re all veiny.

Note from MP: I’ve seen the picture. He seems to just recycle the old ones.

Note from Williams: That’s not an arm! Oh god, I can’t un-see that.

Note from MP: It’s smaller than it looks.

Note from Williams: My eyes …

Note from Mallory: In light of this incident, I’ve hired the SAS to bring JB home and force him through a psych eval.

Note from JB: I’ll be good.

Note from Williams: Can we look into the prospect of a drone wearing a tuxedo? I, for one, would think it would be adorable.

Note from MP: Seconded.

Note from Mallory: I’ll look into it.


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